Citing health issues, Old Man Winter made the announcement in late November and his overly ambitious son has wasted no time in establishing complete control over the frigid manifestation.
After first declaring himself president and CEO of Winter, Inc. Biff Winter called a news conference early this morning to confirm that he indeed has the reins of all daily operations.
And he intends to manage the season in his own style.
“I don’t plan on running winter the same way my Old Man did,” Biff remarked after slamming the continental United States with ice and frigid temperatures as far south as Texas and California three weeks ahead of the scheduled arrival of winter.
“Obviously, my new business model is a lot more efficient than the previous one,” Biff noted when asked about the recent arctic blast.
“The next thing I plan to focus on is re-branding the entire winter season. The image of an old man blowing cold winds is not an archetype that appeals to a 21st century demographics. Besides, who says winter HAS to start or end on any particular day?”
Biff Winter also presented a five year plan that includes the hostile take-over of both Fall and Spring, a few weeks at a time. By creating a general climate of seasonal business chaos, Biff Winter proposes taking advantage of the fact that these seasons have no established personifications associated with them.
“Clearly there is no identifiable leadership in the top ranks of these seasonal allocations, therefore, some of their time can be better managed by my organization,” said Biff, sending a chill through the Press Corps.
“There are still some economic hurdles and barriers to market entry into the summer business sector, but these will be addressed in time,” he added. Biff went on to subtly accuse summer of improper business practices and collusion with the global warming industry.
Biff also plans to modernize the functioning of winter through technology and software innovations.
“My father has been operating winter the same way he has since the Ice Age: arriving in a predictable fashion, manifesting in the an archaic form of an old man blowing cold winds. That superstitious mumbo-jumbo is so Middle Ages, an outdated relic soon to be replaced by modern data-mining and HAARP technology,” he said.
“After looking at economic projections based on the last 10,000 years of data, winter’s market share has steadily eroded as a result of new entrants into the seasonal market such as El Niño, aberrant solar cycles, and global warming. There is no way in hell that I’m going to let a start up venture like Green House Gases (GHG) cut into the bottom line of an old established business like winter,” Biff remarked.
Promising a new, improved winter roll-out by the first of the year, Biff also has plans for an extended season in an effort to encroach on summer’s consumer base. “Our long term strategy is to be the dominant seasonal force all year round.
“We are streamlining our ability to deliver the core product line of snow, ice and freezing temperatures across a wider distribution network, and our business plan reflects exploiting that advantage. By being able to efficiently project winter weather anywhere, anytime, we’ll be the primary player in the seasonal market all year long,” Biff remarked confidently before calling the press conference to an end with a sudden blizzard.
In a related story, an inebriated Old Man Winter was spotted on a beach in Hawaii this week. When asked why he chose to relinquish all control of winter, he remarked angrily, “I’ve been busting my ass since the Cretaceous-Tertiary period. I’m retired!”