Fekenham Swarberry

The Village Tales of Fekenham Swarberry are like a hydraulically driven wagon, hissing steam, rattling down cobbled streets at unbidden speeds , clunking along as if directionless passing rows of garishly coloured cottages housing unlikely people engaged in improbable conversations having impossible adventures.

 

FEKENHAM GAZETTE

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November 2005

2/6d

Snatch-Kiss Buys Ancient Baronial Mansion

 

Billionaire businessman Rupert Snatch-Kiss has bought, for an undisclosed sum, the ancient home of the late Urpington Crust. Mayhem Mayhew of Mayhew Mayhew and Lust said this:

Mister Snatch-Kiss showed a keen interest in the old Manor some time ago and, after much discussion and negotiating, we are pleased to reveal that he put his signature to the documents today. Mister Snatch-Kiss will move into the mansion with immediate effect and will shortly begin the process of renovating the place. We all wish him well and hope that he enjoys his new home as much as the previous owners did.

The Manor has stood unoccupied for nearly ten years ever since the mysterious disappearance of its previous owner, the last in the long line of the family Crust, who many believe to have been kidnapped, abducted by aliens or to have died whilst snowboarding in Canada. The Manor was originally built in the mid seventeen hundreds by Hallowfrip Crust and was extended to its current size by Urpington Crust the first at the turn of the last century.

It is a magnificent old house with grounds that extend from its eastern edge all the way to and including, old Fekenham Woods, beyond which lies Trimpton House. Trimpton House is another fine example of Albion built ancient homes but of course Trimpton House is far smaller than its neighbour although both homes border the ancient woodland.

Rupert Snatch-Kiss was unavailable for comment on his new purchase but his close companion and public relations officer, Ms Lace Firmgrip had this to say:

“Rupert Snatch-Kiss is delighted with his new buy and intends to renovate the old house and also the surrounding grounds as soon as possible. He is very keen to begin the re-building and to add new conceptual designs to the land instantly. He would like to also add, that he thanks the inhabitants of Fekenham for their generosity of spirit and asks them to bear with him whilst the work is underway. Once completed, Fekenham will be attracting a host of wealth to the area which will have a large impact on local businesses and employment.”

 

Snatch-Kiss’s company, Vox Development, part of his parental corporation Vox International, will be the company whose sole charge is to undertake this task. Work begins almost straight away so be prepared for one or two upheavals in the next few months.

 

Grimsby Town FC vs Winchester City

 

Sitting in second place in Division Two has brought new expectations on the heads of all at Winchester FC. Having raised their standards to be in a position to challenge for the title should be reward itself but following today’s performance one wonders if the team are running out of steam.

Grimsby proved to be a resolute bunch who worked hard and defended well preventing Winchester from playing their normal attacking game even if the game as a spectacle suffered. It seemed that every time Larry Leafcutter tried to chase the ball down the wing that two or even three Grimsby players were there to halt his progress. Even stalwart Derek Dogend looked a pale reflection of his usual self with his form simply not there.

The whole of Winchester City looked tired and lacklustre. When the Grimsby central defender, Bob Bobbin, struck the ball from the half way line Winchester goal keeper Trevor Tipple, who really must learn to keep his legs together, let in the softest of goals.

In the end a one nil win to the northerners seemed a fair result.

 

 

Victor Clapp’s Second Hand Car Emporium.

 

A large range of refurbished and road worthy vehicles for the discerning driver.

Among the range of vehicles available to purchase are:

  • Austin Cambridge, Petrol Blue with leather interior. New tyres. A bit of rust but suspension still good. Only one owner. £500. ONO
  • Riley Elf. Green with brown leather interior. Walnut dash and one broken wing mirror. Tends to leak when it’s raining but that aside a good little motor. Been round the clock twice. £225 only.
  • Morris Minor. Black with black leather interior. Headlights can turn off when going over bumps. Brakes squeak when depressed  but stop eventually. May need to use gears when stopping at traffic lights. £100. ONO

To take a test drive simply phone Victor on Muckleford 31415

A t T the End of the Day

Elizah Nibble

Funereal Services

53,Muckleford High Street

444333

 

Oxford and Dunham

Albion’s Premier Bank

18, Muckleford High Street

T:555555

Your money is our money

 

 

6 thoughts on “Fekenham Swarberry

  1. AhhHAH! A Cunning plan. Serialise Fekenham Book one but not necessarily in the chapter order they were written. Promoting commercial fiction by stealth. GENIUS! (I think)

    Like

  2. I have often thought –and have actually used in my writing– the technique of telling a story via the newspaper to be, if not unique, then certainly different. Happy to see this method of story telling put to good use.

    Liked by 1 person

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