Dear Human Resources Manager:
I am applying for the position of President of the United States. Please find attached my resume. I’ve seen this ad running for several months now and I conclude that you have been unsuccessful in locating a suitable candidate.
I believe I have the skills, experience and sheer ruthlessness to be a “good fit” in this position. I am a “results oriented” manager well versed in “thinking out of the box”. Boxes are for turtles and corpses.
The last few years have seen a “paradigm shift” from admiration of the wealthy to overt hostility as well as a steady erosion of the skill-sets necessary to be successful in this position. For example, anyone can promise to build a Wall, but it takes a true visionary to orient it properly so that nobody gets out. In a world full of illusion and rhetoric a person of real integrity is only road-kill on the highway of political opinion. I am not that person.
Who am I? What do I stand for? Please allow me to show you and present my solutions on three major issues affecting these United States.
1) The Economy: Rather than waste time with “jibba-jabba” about lowering tax rates for select groups of people, I propose a rock solid investment in the future of America: Wars of Conquest. While inflation has been reported as flat (when you take out mundane factors such as food and fuel), your average consumer has seen their paycheck also remain flat. Meanwhile, the cost of feeding a family has steadily arisen when you factor in a little thing called serving size. And don’t get me started of what it costs to fill up a Hummer these days!
What my Wars of Conquest strategy will do is launch a series of wars against the most prosperous nations around the globe and take their stuff. Then we’ll bring that stuff home and give it to you. Simple as that. After all, why should THEY have stuff when you don’t? The abundance of stuff in the economy will drive down the prices of other stuff…such as food, fuel and electronics. I will drive down your cost of stuff and pass the savings on to you!
Besides stuff, we’ll bring home cheap labor. Let’s face it. Mexicans have been in the United States so long, they’re as lazy as we are. You just can’t get a decent 18 hour day’s work out of an illegal alien anymore. May as well make them legal so we can tax them. So after the Wars of Conquest wind down, I propose we bring new labor from abroad and put them to work doing the mindless crap we do on a daily basis.
Imagine having your very own custom French guy to pick a decent wine, clean up that wine cellar and cut your cheese; or go “green” and have a Kenyan to “run down to Whole Foods” for some tofu. And I mean really run. If you want a Japanese nuclear engineer to do your kid’s homework, you can have it.
My Wars of Conquest strategy will not only raise the standard of living for EVERY American. It will give them more free time to do the important things Americans enjoy doing, like playing video games and texting pictures of what they are eating. I will give you fat, lazy bastards exactly what you want: more idle time. Need a German programmer to hack those cheat codes for you? Just pick one out of our vast Human Resources catalog and in 4-6 weeks time, he/she will arrive at your doorstep.
2) Tax Reform: The Tax Code as we know it is an unfathomable mess of restrictive rules written in an alien legalese. Most people in the 50’s thought that any alien invasion would involve spaceships and death rays. As we now know, an invasion by a single ship full of alien lawyers and tycoons seeking a tax shelter for their vast galactic wealth subdued the United States in 1926 and used it as a proxy weapon against the rest of the world. Their insidious weapon: selectively ambiguous taxation. Who knew, right?
Fortunately, as the valuation on this chunk of rock we call Earth started to plummet in 2005, our Alien Overlords cashed out and left us with this huge deficit. Rather than raise taxes, I propose we eliminate taxes altogether. So how do I propose to raise revenue? Advertising on the Moon. The Moon is the most viewable object on Earth, even more than a viral sex tape of any celebrity.
Using a combination of advanced HAARP technology coupled with unholy black magic infused relics captured from the Vatican, I propose to create holographic images on the Moon in return for huge advertising fees. It will start with just a “Your Logo Here” image, but as the revenue starts pouring in, global corporations will flock to have a 30 second ad projected across the face of the Moon. This revenue will in turn eliminate the need for the average American to pay any income taxes while fueling our infrastructure improvement.
Corporate dollars will finance the foreign labor rebuilding our roads, bridges and government casinos. But, corporate dollars can only fund so much. To finance future Wars of Conquest, my “Kilroy Casino Project” will allow the government to reap in gambling losses what they never could in legitimate taxation. The government giveth and the government taketh away is the philosophy of the 21st century. And the odds are 7 to 1 I’ll make that happen.
3) Social Engineering: The need to live in a safe society full of only pretty people is paramount to any civilization. My solution: passive sedation. As with any “perfect’ social system, there occasionally arises conflict between the separate levels of the social order (commonly referred to as “Us” and “Them”). To eliminate the potential of disruptive social dialog and moral confusion, I propose we sedate a vast majority of “Them” so that no more than 47% of the entire population is awake at any one time. The optimum solution would be to sedate all of “Them” but someone has to be awake to make that Canadian mow the grass or dress that French guy as a mime of the amusement of “Us”. After all most of “Us” are much too busy to do our own demeaning. Let “Them” do it.
Masses of griping “Little People” are a major distraction to “Us”. Rather than allow them to harsh our buzz, in my first term as President, I will introduce an upgrade to the iPhone that will allow the surgical implantation of a direct phone interface device. They will put it up to their ear and never see the needle coming. They may feel a slight pinch. Creating images directly in the human brain by hallucination inducing technology, the need for screen and keyboards will be obsolete. Millions of people will type their inane Tweets in mid-air and open their emails with the blink of an eye. The ability to access Facebook or play video games anytime, anywhere will overload their little brains inside of a week, resulting in a self-induced catatonic state.
Furthermore, we can use this self-sedated population as a power source. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “The average human body can only produce about 100 watts of power. That’s only a light bulb, I can’t recharge my iPad with that!”
True. And if you know that, congratulations, you’re entirely too smart to be one of “Them”. However, with 53% of the population sedated that adds up, and our energy usage will also fall to unprecedented levels, providing us with the energy independence we’ve always wanted.
But, it’s not entirely about the energy. It’s about a little peace and quiet? Highly trained crews of Russian slave labor will be standing by relocate the “Neo-Zombies” to power generation centers across the country. This is where they will remain out of sight silently running our light bulbs and Christmas lights until we awaken them. If we ever wake them, that is.
I would like to express my continued interest in the position of President of the United States and would appreciate discussing the specifics with you at your convenience. Please peruse my resume and I’m certain you will understand why I am the best person for the job. Contact me any time at my undisclosed location. I am looking forward to working for you!
Image from Lewis Minor